I've been inspired by sweet | salty. I feel like I've been hit by a bus or some such other awful thing. Sweet Juniper sent me there (thank you) and I have a strong, gut feeling I may never blog the same. I realize why I've been so unable to express myself on a blog before. I've been doing that thing where I emulate whoever I most admire, whether they are my voice or not. Whether or not they resemble my voice, that is. My point of view, my state of being; my intonation has mattered less than mimicking what the others were saying, and if not what they were saying, then how it was being said.

I have a tendency to put folks on pedestals, not to say it is always undeserving, but it is generally without my ability to judge at the point that it happens. I find things to admire (covet?) about people and then I block out everything I dislike until I think they are perfect and when the truth comes barreling through, I'm left in the dust. Trying to figure out what I ever liked about said person in the first place.

I do that far too often. And I think that's what I've been doing in the blogher world lately. Which is unfortunate because I wasn't sufficiently satisfied by it and could have moved on long ago, had I been paying attention.

These women I've been reading are following a pattern. For the past few months I've been reading Dooce religiously, justifying it by believing she is the leader, so to speak. Until I started noticing how disingenuous it all sounds, if you really listen to what she's writing about.

I don't want to go that route right now, though. I'm not here to in/validate Dooce's existence in the blogosphere - afterall, who am I? I'm just saying...that her personality was/is beginning to sound a little too predicatable or polished or - I do hesitate to say, however evasive that is for me to admit - marketable. I don't mean I think she's being managed by anyone outside of herself; I do mean I think she's making her own decisions. But she's managing a business and she knows what sells, so to speak. Just because you're marketing yourself doesn't make it any less ultimately contrived.

Let me get back on track here before I get too far off point.

Kate at sweet | salty has reminded me what writing is all about. It's not about the audience. It's about baring one's soul (I'm unabashedly serious). It's about taking what's inside and putting it to words telling stories, sharing ideas, documenting feeeeeelings. From your core.

That's why I was attracted to writing in the first place. I've always wanted to do that thing that great writers do for me. What happens to me when I read Raymond Carver and Joyce Carol Oates is what I'd like to do to others. The way good writers allow you in their head, in their heart, I want to invite people into mine.

It's always been difficult for me to swallow how alone we truly are here. There is no one in this world who will ever fully understand me. No one has been with me from beginning to end. I cannot accurately explain to someone my every defining moment. But I would like to try and I can only hope to come close.

I've been trying to channel this very desire for years now and I've been too distracted. But I think I'm back. After one weekend - one day, in fact - of reading about her loss, her husband, her remaining boys. I'm hooked. And inspired.

Emotions buried deep have been stirred back to life. I'm immensely grateful. I just hope I don't lose it just as quickly as it came. It does feel fleeting, as good things often do for me. Who taught me to be so skeptical, anyway?

I'm tired now, so I'm going to risk letting a night's sleep push it all back down, dark and alone. If I don't come back, it won't be from lack of desire. It will be from exhaustion, distractedness, LIFE. LIFE keeps happening to me and I'm getting further and further away from leaving it behind in words.

That's always been something I wanted to leave Lily but even in the journal I keep for her, I sound like an idiot. I come across as silly, immature and clueless. I'm so self conscious I'm not even sure I'll give it to her. If I do, what will she think? Will she think she's smarter than me? Will she feel sorry for me? Will she BE smarter than me and appreciate my thoughts and effort but know in the back of her mind that I did the best I could?

As usual, I'm trying too hard to be something I'm not. That's all I'm really trying to say. Not that Dooce is bad, not that the women I've been reading are not worthy. Just that this Kate person has opened my eyes to something I'm having a very hard time naming. I'll work on it.